Welcome Video – SNL


♪♪♪
♪♪♪>>HELLO.
BONJOUR. KONICHIWA.
AND WELCOME TO THE UNITED STATES.
AS YOU’RE WAITING IN LINE, THIS VIDEO WILL LET YOU KNOW WHAT TO
EXPECT AND WHAT IS REQUIRED TO PASS THROUGH U.S. CUSTOMS.
WE TAKE OUR BORDER VERY SERIOUSLY.
BE SURE TO PAY ATTENTION AND WE’LL GET YOU GOING AS SOON AS
POSSIBLE –>>PORTIONS OF THIS VIDEO HAVE
BEEN RECENTLY EDITED.>>LET’S GO OVER A FEW DOCUMENTS
YOU’LL NEED. FIRST, YOUR COMPLETED CUSTOMS
FORM. YOU’LL ALSO NEED A VALID
PASSPORT FROM YOUR COUNTRY OF ORIGIN —
>>NOT INCLUDING IRAQ, IRAN, SYRIA, LYBIA, SOMALIA, SUDAN, OR
YEMEN AND MAYBE AUSTRALIA, WE’LL SEE.
>>OUR PRIORITY IS TO MAKE THIS PROCESS EASY FOR EACH AND EVERY
ONE OF YOU.>>NOT YOU, NOT YOU, NO WAY,
NICE TRY, NOT YOU — OH WAIT, HE’S GOOD.
COME ON IN, BUD. AWW!
NO.>>IN ADDITION, YOU MAY BE ASKED
TO PROVIDE A FEW –>>HUNDRED.
>>SIMPLE –>>CONFUSING.
>>FORMS.>>IF YOU NEED ASSISTANCE THERE
WILL BE SOMEONE –>>NO ONE.
>>– TO HELP YOU. WITH ALL YOUR FORMS FILLED OUT
PROCEED AHEAD –>>ALSO FORM C-9.
W-8. F-12.
AND D-9-B.>>YOU’RE ALMOST DONE —
>>GETTING STARTED. EFFECTIVE IMMEDIATELY, ALL
VISITORS WILL BE SUBJECT TO EXTREME VETTING PROCEDURES
INCLUDING A HIGHLY DETAILED QUESTIONNAIRE.
WE ALSO NEED FINGERPRINTS, BLOOD SAMPLE.
URINE SAMPLE. STOOL SAMPLE.
AND YOU WILL BE REQUIRED TO EAT A HOT DOG IN FRONT OF US.
[ LAUGHTER ] [ PHONE RINGS ]
HELLO? YEAH, IT’S GOING — THE VIDEO IS
COMING ALONG REALLY WELL.>>YOU CAN NOW APPROACH THE
CUSTOMS DESK. WHEN YOU REACH THE CUSTOMS
OFFICER SHE WILL –>>HE WILL.
>>ASK YOU A SERIES OF QUESTIONS SUCH AS, WHAT IS THE PURPOSE OF
YOUR VISIT?>>I’M HERE TO SEE MY MOTHER.
SHE IS A –>>TERRORIST.
>>WHAT IS YOUR OCCUPATION?>>I AM A CERTIFIED NURSE —
>>DRUG DEALER.>>WELCOME TO THE UNITED
STATES –>>GO HOME PLEASE.
>>OKAY, I UNDERSTAND. BYE.
AMERICA FIRST.>>CONGRATULATIONS.
AND WELCOME TO THE UNITED STATES.
A LAND OF OPPORTUNITY FROM –>>TRUMP TOWER.
>>SEA TO SHINING –>>TRUMP TOWER.
[ LAUGHTER ] [ PHONE RINGING ]
A JUDGE BLOCKED THE BAN? NO, PLEASE, I JUST MADE THE
WHOLE VIDEO! [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

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