America’s Greatest Security Risk: Donald Trump’s Mouth

America’s Greatest Security Risk: Donald Trump’s Mouth


WELCOME ONE AND ALL TO “THE LATE
SHOW.” I’M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT. REMEMBER A COUPLE OF YEARS AG
WHEN TRUMP FIRST GOT INTO OFFICE,
WHEN WE WERE ALL AFRAID THAT DONALD TRUMP WAS SOME SORT OF A
SLEEPER AGENT WHO WAS GOING TO SELL AMERICA OUT TO A FOREIGN
POWER BEHIND OUR BACKS? WELL, IT’S THROWBACK THURSDAY. ( LAUGHTER )
BECAUSE WE JUST LEARNED THAT THIS SUMMER, DONALD TRUMP HAD A
PHONE CALL WITH A FOREIGN LEADER THAT WAS SO TROUBLING THAT IT
PROMPTED AN OFFICIAL IN THE U.S. INTELLIGENCE COMMUNITY TO FILE A
FORMAL WHISTLEBLOWER COMPLAINT, WHEN TRUMP WAS OVERHEARD MAKING
“A PROMISE TO A FOREIGN LEADER.” YEAH. ( AUDIENCE REACTS )
A PROMISE TO AN UNKNOWN FOREIGN LEADER. THANK GOD TRUMP NEVER KEEPS HIS
PROMISES. ( LAUGHTER )
NEVER. NEVER HAS. ERIC —
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) IN FACT, ERIC IS STILL WAITING
BY THE FRONT DOOR TO GO TO DISNEY
WORLD. ( LAUGHTER )
(AS ERIC) “HI HO, HI HO, YOU PROMISED THAT
WE’D GO.” ( LAUGHTER )
THE INTELLIGENCE COMMUNITY IS TAKING THIS THREAT SERIOUSLY. THEIR INSPECTOR GENERAL
CONSIDERED THE INCIDENT A MATTER OF “URGENT CONCERN.” THAT’S HIGH ON THE INTELLIGENCE
COMMUNITY THREAT LEVEL. IT GOES: “NOT A PROBLEM,”
“UH OH,” “URGENT CONCERN,” AND “CHRISSY TEIGEN ATTACK.” ( LAUGHTER )
GET CHA! ( LAUGHTER )
( PIANO RIFF ) TRUMP DENIES HE DID ANYTHING
WRONG, TWEETING “ANOTHER FAKE NEWS STORY OUT
THERE – IT NEVER ENDS! VIRTUALLY ANYTIME I SPEAK ON THE
PHONE TO A FOREIGN LEADER, I UNDERSTAND THAT THERE MAY BE
MANY PEOPLE LISTENING FROM VARIOUS U.S. AGENCIES, NOT TO
MENTION THOSE FROM THE OTHER COUNTRY ITSELF. NO PROBLEM! DOT, DOT, DOT, DOT KNOWING ALL
OF THIS, IS ANYBODY DUMB ENOUGH TO BELIEVE THAT I WOULD SAY
SOMETHING INAPPROPRIATE WITH A FOREIGN LEADER WHILE ON SUCH A
POTENTIALLY “HEAVILY POPULATED” CALL.” GOOD POINT. VERY GOOD POINT. WHAT KIND OF MORON WOULD THINK
YOU WOULD MAKE AN INAPPROPRIATE OFFER TO A FOREIGN COUNTRY WHILE
YOU WERE BEING RECORDED? ( LAUGHTER )
>>RUSSIA, IF YOU’RE LISTENING, I HOPE YOU’RE ABLE TO FIND THE
30,000 E-MAILS THAT ARE MISSING. ( WHISTLE BLOWING )
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( PIANO RIFF )
>>Jon: THERE YOU GO.>>Stephen: THE GUYS IN THE
SOUND BOOTH LOVE IT WHEN YOU USE WHISTLES. ( LAUGHTER )
NOW, EVIDENTLY, ANYTHING DESIGNATED “AN URGENT CONCERN”
REQUIRES NOTIFICATION OF CONGRESSIONAL OVERSIGHT
COMMITTEES. BUT ACTING DIRECTOR OF NATIONAL
INTELLIGENCE JOSEPH MAGUIRE HAS REFUSED TO SHARE DETAILS ABOUT
TRUMP’S ALLEGED TRANSGRESSION WITH LAWMAKERS, BUT ACTING
— LOOK, LOOKS, LOOK, LOOK, THERE’S NOTHING IN THIS REPORT
DAMAGING TO THE PRESIDENT IN ANY WAY, AND THAT IS WHY I’M GOING
TO SAFELY STORE IT IN THIS GASOLINE POWERED FILING CABINET! ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
NOW, BECAUSE OF THE COVERUP, IT WAS NOT IMMEDIATELY CLEAR
WHICH FOREIGN LEADER TRUMP WAS SPEAKING WITH OR WHAT HE PLEDGED
TO DELIVER.” OKAY, SO A PROMISE TO A FOREIGN
LEADER, BUT IT COULD BE ANYTHING PROMISED TO ANY LEADER. SO LET’S SAY — LET’S SAY —
LET’S SAY, UH — ANGELA MERKEL… HE PROMISED ANGELA MERKEL
A NIGHT OF PASSION WITH MIKE PENCE. ( LAUGHTER )
MAYBE NOT. MAYBE NOT. OKAY. MAYBE NOT. MAYBE NOT. THAT’S A LITTLE FARFETCHED. MAYBE HE PROMISED… MOHAMMED BIN SALMAN… UH… A LIFETIME SUPPLY OF LEE
PRESS-ON NAILS. ( LAUGHTER )
OR, LET’S DO IT BACKWARDS. MAYBE HE PROMISED… A KILO OF UNCUT PERUVIAN BLUE
FLAKE COCAINE TO… CAP’N CRUNCH. ( LAUGHTER )
YEAH.>>Jon: THERE YOU GO. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>>Stephen: DON’T LET THE SOGGIES GET YOUR BLUE FLAKE. THEN, THIS AFTERNOON, WE FOUND
THAT THE WHISTLEBLOWER WAS REFERRING TO A SERIES OF ACTIONS
THAT GOES BEYOND ANY SINGLE DISCUSSION WITH A FOREIGN
LEADER. OH, A SERIES? GREAT, SO WE CAN BINGE-WATCH
THE END OF AMERICA.

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